The fact of the matter is, we live in a time where more and more children are being brought into this world out of wedlock, leaving the mother and/or father to carry along excess baggage into a relationship. Not saying this is a bad thing, but how many of us truly want to enter a relationship knowing at one time or another we will have to deal with our partner’s ex on a consistent basis—and usually not on good terms?
Don't get me wrong; there are many ex’s that can end their relationships and still be amicable with one another when it comes to raising their child. However, what do you do when your partner’s ex refuses to let go of the past and becomes a strain on your current relationship?
Playing devil’s advocate for the baby mama, I can see how hurt she could be seeing her ex move on with his life and she not being able to do the same for various reasons. Maybe she’s regretting decisions that she made on her end; maybe she feels he will begin to shun away from his child, or maybe she’s scared of the idea of being alone in general. Nevertheless, many women that find themselves in this position somehow convince themselves that by having these notions they are given permissible grounds to present their old flames with pure hell in their future relationships—ultimately affecting you, the new lady in their life.
While streaming the internet, I found numerous sites, support groups and blogs dedicated to helping new significant others deal with their partner’s baby mama drama. There’s babymamadrama.com, weuse2beu.com and even a how-to guide on wikihow.com - a spin off of the popular wikipedia.com. These sites include women from across the country reaching out to one another giving support, advice and a listening ear, testifying to the daily struggles that come with dating a man with children.
In the end, they all end their conversations with the hard question that many women have to ask themselves during their relationship. Is he truly worth the baby mama drama?
Let’s look at the pro’s and con’s of the situation:
The Con’s:
* Dealing with the eye rolls and catty comments being said in his ex’s camp.
* The possibilities that she will have their child be disrespectful towards you whenever you are around.
* Knowing that sometimes you will not be the number one priority in the relationship.
* And unfortunately, sometimes having to calm yourself down when you know your partner’s ex is maliciously and spitefully finding ways to sabotage the wonderful relationship you and your partner possess.
The Pro’s:
*Appreciating the genuine relationship your partner has with his child. Nine times out of ten, it will reflect the relationship he will have with your children should your relationship move to that level.
* Seeing how hard he is trying to keep all parties involved happy and content.
* Realizing that aside for this one obstacle, everything else in your relationship is seemly great.
* And finally, understanding that we all have special circumstances when entering a relationship. Should you chose to stay it proves you are willing to accept him for who he is and what he’s bringing to the table. That includes, taking the good with the bad and working towards a loving and productive future with one another.
When all else fails remember the five tips wikihow.com reminds every new partner to take into consideration when dealing with the baby mama drama:
1. Remember, the mother is a woman, a person, with emotions just like you. Although this is one tip we all try to forget, remember the golden rule! Treat others the way you want to be treated, regardless of how they may treat you.
2. Realize, the mother (probably) is NOT going anywhere. Again another hard pill to swallow, but a reality nonetheless. If you are in your relationship for the long haul, you have to realize she is now apart of your life in one shape or another. Find a constructive way to deal with her.
3. If at all possible, try and talk to the baby mama. Even though this idea can seem far-fetched, sometimes having a sit down conversation with the mother can help clear the air and show that you are trying to be respectful to her and their child. Reassuring her that you are not trying to take her place, but rather thinking of the child’s best interest. Additionally, showing that by giving her this type of respect you are expecting the same in return.
4. When everything else fails - let your man BE a man. Remember at the end of the day, your man has to deal with the mother as a means of raising their child together. Imagine how hard it is for him trying to keep the peace amongst everyone involved in the situation. Sometimes we have to let a man BE a man in order to show we have faith in him and in his decision-making skills.
5. Lastly, assert how you feel. Communication is key! Let your partner know how you feel. Your feelings are just as valid as his. By keeping an open and honest relationship, you are better able to assess obstacles together, stand firm when troubles seem to be lurking around the corner, and most importantly, work together as a team when such baby mama drama may occur.
In closing, ladies, remember we are too fabulous and divinely favored to let such drama take over our lives. When dating a man with children, take a good look at the entire picture. Is he truly worth the possible baby mama drama or are you ready to put in work to make sure your relationship is a prosperous union between the two of you? Yes, the decision is all yours, but it is a decision that shouldn’t be taking lightly….
Until next time stay blessed, beautiful and fabulous!
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-Photo by GMO Photo Editor Billy Montgomery
