Attention Ladies! If You Want a Barack, Then You Need to Be a Michelle

First and foremost ladies, we must love ourselves. As corny as it may sound, it really does start from within. Can you say in two minutes or less what you bring to the table in a relationship and why you are wifey material? So many of us struggle with our self-esteem and possess insecurities, which exudes an odor that men can smell and detect a mile away. If you’re not confident in yourself, why should he feel proud of you? Walk out there with you’re A-game. If you carry it with you wherever you go, many men won’t have a choice but to improve themselves in order to win you over.

With that A-game, don’t be afraid to be who you are. One of many attributes that are so appealing in sisters like Michelle Obama and Jada Pinkett Smith is their outspoken nature. As they stand beside their man (not in front nor behind him), they speak their minds. Beyonce said it best when she told Jay-Z that she could “upgrade him” in her song “Upgrade U.”

Secondly, we must date the right way. According to psychologist, life coach and author Alduan Tartt, Ph.D., we as women think that trying to impress a man with looking cute (the right outfit, the perfect hairstyle, etc.) is how we attract one. Although self-maintenance is important, it’s not the key. Tartt says a man desires the kind of woman who can make cupcakes, yet can kick back and watch a kung-fu flick on television or hang out at a Jay-Z concert.

With dating correctly, we must also date to befriend and not for the physical aspects of the opposite sex. The author of The Ring Formula: How to Marry MR. RIGHT says men find it intoxicating when they talk about their dreams and ambitions with women who are truly interested in them. What better way to get to know and connect with another person? Tartt comments most men can’t find women who are down for them, which involve showing respect, support and a genuine interest in them. Contrary to what some may say—best friends do indeed make the best lovers. But, how can you love someone if you don’t know him?

Tartt says men look for another aspect in women in their quest for “the one”—our ability to cook. We don’t even have to cook well (if we do, that’s a bonus!), but rather the mere fact that we make an attempt at it. It does make sense—most of their mothers cooked for them and the rest of the family, which showed a form of nurturing (which equals love to them). Think about it—how awesome do you feel when someone makes a meal for you? The time and effort speak for themselves.

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and his mind,” says Tartt. (I certainly am not Julia Child, but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to crack open that family cookbook I received at my family reunion this summer to try out a few recipes.)

The rate at which we approach intimacy with men is another issue we as females need to drastically improve. We need to take things slower in the intimacy category and set higher standards, says Dr. Aaron Turpeau, relationship expert and author of The Harmonious Way: A Success Guide to Selecting a Compatible Mate. What’s the rush? A true gentleman will wait when the time is right to take the relationship to the next level, and that certainly is not on date number one, or two, or three. If we as women set our standards from the beginning, men will have to follow accordingly, or move on so that the right one with some actual sense can come along.

Finally ladies, when it comes to going out, Tartt says the key is to look approachable, not easy. Don’t be afraid to smile every once in a while, which is something I struggle with as well. Sometimes I just don’t want to smile (especially if it’s at a man I don’t want to approach me). Some men can take that smile the wrong way. However, our face says it all. Men like to pursue, but they need our permission. So, perhaps a smile to the right one is the only green light a man needs to approach you and introduce himself into your life.